So it's been a while since I posted last. I still haven't gotten a binder, but I did find a really nice suit jacket, and when combined with skinny jeans and a grey vneck, I think I might almost be able to pass! I'll post a picture soon.
In other news, using the bathroom is still terrifying and I've used men's bathrooms a total of one time. To be honest I'm surprised how big a deal it is for me. It's just walking into a room, and I'm in Santa Cruz. What do I think is going to happen? My goal for this week is to use the men's bathroom at least once. We'll see how that goes.
In other other news I think I accidentally came out as trans to my director. He knew me before I started my transition and recognized me from when I was working in the dressing room for a different show. When he didn't recognize my name, I said something along the lines of, "Well, it wasn't my name back then. I mean, it kind of wasn't, it still isn't technically my name but… uh… I'm a guy now. Can you use male pronouns for me?" He didn't jump away in disgust or mock me, so I think it went well. It was a pretty big relief. No matter how many times I do it, telling people never gets any less scary.
Also, there was an awkward thing that happened in my life. I was visiting someone close with Saul and off-handedly called myself Saul's boyfriend(ya know, since that's what I am). He told me that I was being provocative and that a lot of people don't approve of Saul, who is straight, dating a man. After various other awkward and slightly hostile interactions, I excused myself and went to the bathroom crying. I was really frustrated because I want the people close to Saul to approve of me and like me, and I want to be a good boyfriend to him. I don't want to be that part of his life that isn't brought up in polite company, and I certainly don't want to cause conflict in his life.
So, all in all, lots of good things but also lots of fear and frustration and nerve wrackingness.
-JJ
