Okay. Massive update time. *cracks fingers in preparation*
First thing first. I finally got a binder over the summer. While I'm really grateful that I finally have one, I was disappointed by how little it managed to hide. Being relatively well endowed in the chest area, there's only so much that my shape can be changed with a piece of fabric. It has allowed me to wear more button down shirts without the annoying boob button bulge, which I'm really happy about.
I've been having a lot of trouble finding a style that works for me, partly because I try to dress for a body that I don't have, and partly because I really like some feminine styles. As a trans man, I sometimes feel a lot of pressure to present as masculine as possible. In a sense, I feel like I need to prove something to the people around me. At the same time, I've always been androgynous, and I still really like dresses and other feminine clothing. It's been really hard letting go of the side of me that wants to overcompensate and wear Axe body spray and wear nothing but heavy jeans and T-shirts.
I've been trying to accept that if I absolutely support the idea of other men being able to wear skirts and dresses, I should absolutely support the idea of myself being able to wear skirts and dresses too. At the same time, it's much easier going through the world as a trans man if you present as normatively as possible. Firstly, presenting normatively enough, I do pass at this point(Thank you binder, tshirt, fashionable vest, blazer, and terrible posture), and it's really refreshing feeling like myself and not having to remind people about my pronouns. Secondly, it's hard to be feminine for any man. As a society, I think we have a long way to go to accept people outside the gender binary, particularly when people take on "female" traits. When I am passing and dressing feminine, I get a fair amount of harassment, so it's very tempting to try to hide that part of myself.
Pretends that I have any skills segueing One other important thing in my life is that my dad agreed to take me to see a surgeon this summer about either getting breast reduction surgery or reconstruction surgery. I feel absolutely grateful to have a family supportive enough to help me through this, and am hopeful for what the meeting will bring.
Miscellaneous other important things
1. My family finally started using male pronouns!
2. Dating as a trans guy is super complicated, but the various people I've gone on dates with have been really understanding.
3. I changed my name to JJ at my college, which means that my professors, people at the dining hall, and people in the health center should know me by the name that I go by rather than the name I was given
I'm gonna try to start updating this blog regularly again now that I actually feel hopeful about my prospects of being happy with my gender identity.
That's all for now, thanks for listening.
-JJ
