Massive Update(Almost 1 year later)

Okay. Massive update time. *cracks fingers in preparation*

First thing first. I finally got a binder over the summer. While I'm really grateful that I finally have one, I was disappointed by how little it managed to hide. Being relatively well endowed in the chest area, there's only so much that my shape can be changed with a piece of fabric. It has allowed me to wear more button down shirts without the annoying boob button bulge, which I'm really happy about.

I've been having a lot of trouble finding a style that works for me, partly because I try to dress for a body that I don't have, and partly because I really like some feminine styles. As a trans man, I sometimes feel a lot of pressure to present as masculine as possible. In a sense, I feel like I need to prove something to the people around me. At the same time, I've always been androgynous, and I still really like dresses and other feminine clothing. It's been really hard letting go of the side of me that wants to overcompensate and wear Axe body spray and wear nothing but heavy jeans and T-shirts.

I've been trying to accept that if I absolutely support the idea of other men being able to wear skirts and dresses, I should absolutely support the idea of myself being able to wear skirts and dresses too. At the same time, it's much easier going through the world as a trans man if you present as normatively as possible. Firstly, presenting normatively enough, I do pass at this point(Thank you binder, tshirt, fashionable vest, blazer, and terrible posture), and it's really refreshing feeling like myself and not having to remind people about my pronouns. Secondly, it's hard to be feminine for any man. As a society, I think we have a long way to go to accept people outside the gender binary, particularly when people take on "female" traits. When I am passing and dressing feminine, I get a fair amount of harassment, so it's very tempting to try to hide that part of myself.

Pretends that I have any skills segueing One other important thing in my life is that my dad agreed to take me to see a surgeon this summer about either getting breast reduction surgery or reconstruction surgery. I feel absolutely grateful to have a family supportive enough to help me through this, and am hopeful for what the meeting will bring.

Miscellaneous other important things
1. My family finally started using male pronouns!
2. Dating as a trans guy is super complicated, but the various people I've gone on dates with have been really understanding.
3. I changed my name to JJ at my college, which means that my professors, people at the dining hall, and people in the health center should know me by the name that I go by rather than the name I was given

I'm gonna try to start updating this blog regularly again now that I actually feel hopeful about my prospects of being happy with my gender identity.

That's all for now, thanks for listening.

-JJ

Update

So it's been a while since I posted last. I still haven't gotten a binder, but I did find a really nice suit jacket, and when combined with skinny jeans and a grey vneck, I think I might almost be able to pass! I'll post a picture soon.

In other news, using the bathroom is still terrifying and I've used men's bathrooms a total of one time. To be honest I'm surprised how big a deal it is for me. It's just walking into a room, and I'm in Santa Cruz. What do I think is going to happen? My goal for this week is to use the men's bathroom at least once. We'll see how that goes.

In other other news I think I accidentally came out as trans to my director. He knew me before I started my transition and recognized me from when I was working in the dressing room for a different show. When he didn't recognize my name, I said something along the lines of, "Well, it wasn't my name back then. I mean, it kind of wasn't, it still isn't technically my name but… uh… I'm a guy now. Can you use male pronouns for me?" He didn't jump away in disgust or mock me, so I think it went well. It was a pretty big relief. No matter how many times I do it, telling people never gets any less scary.

Also, there was an awkward thing that happened in my life. I was visiting someone close with Saul and off-handedly called myself Saul's boyfriend(ya know, since that's what I am). He told me that I was being provocative and that a lot of people don't approve of Saul, who is straight, dating a man. After various other awkward and slightly hostile interactions, I excused myself and went to the bathroom crying. I was really frustrated because I want the people close to Saul to approve of me and like me, and I want to be a good boyfriend to him. I don't want to be that part of his life that isn't brought up in polite company, and I certainly don't want to cause conflict in his life.

So, all in all, lots of good things but also lots of fear and frustration and nerve wrackingness.

-JJ

Thanks where thanks is due

I want to take the time to thank the people who have looked out for me through all of this. Through the haze of depression and anxiety, it can be really easy to feel alone and abandoned. I've spent a lot of time hiding what was going on from people, and when I haven't been, I've been pretty temperamental and sensitive. I guess I'm still really scared and I'm responding to that by withdrawing and hiding. But so many people have stuck with me and grown with me regardless, and I really appreciate them for it. I understand that it isn't easy seeing me in a new way, when I've been Jessica and female in everybody's eyes for 19 years, but I'm so much happier than I ever was before. Even though I hate my body and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I feel like, for the first time, I'm being truly honest with myself and with the people that I love.

I don't know if I would have had the courage to keep going with this if it weren't for my friends and family. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life.

-JJ

PS: I do have a small update fashion wise. I finally got the eyebrow piercing that I've been waiting on for almost a year, and I couldn't be happier with it. I think that one way my piercings help me is that they allow me to take control of my body and make it look the way I want to look. I'm hoping to get my cartilage pierced after my next show closes, but in the mean time, I'm happy staring at the area right above my eye every ten seconds.

PPS: (LOL PP :D) My research on binders has revealed that they're really f*cking expensive. If anyone would be willing to chip in a couple dollars to help me buy one, I'd be super grateful. 

This is gonna be harder than I thought

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the blog this weekend, and I'm beginning to realize how nervous I really am. When I was female identified, I had a very established sense of style, and I had learned how to turn heads and really feel confident in the way I dressed. I really liked the way I looked, and it's scary thinking about giving that up and completely remaking something that I've spent so long on. While I wasn't happy with my style because I was mostly using it to pass, I did know what I was doing, and now I really don't know where to start. I feel like I have no guidance and no one willing to be the one laughing with me when my experiments don't work out so well. 

I've decided to put actively buying things on hold until I can get a hold of a binder that works well for my body shape. In the mean time, I finally got a haircut, and I'm putting together collages of styles of people I admire. My binder should arrive within a few days, so expect an update soon. In the mean time, at the very least, I can rest assured that my new hairstyle is dapper as heck, even if it has not crossed over to the realm of dapperasfuckery yet. 

Stay fabulous, and as ever, I'd love to hear about other peoples' experiences in the comments below. 

-JJ

PS: My glasses broke, and I figure this is a great opportunity to look for something simple to make me more confident and explore my style. Any suggestions for androgynous frames?

Welcome!

Hey everyone! My name is JJ, and my goal, as the title of my blog suggests, is to be dapper as fuck. I'm a trans male and I'm hoping to use this blog to explore my sense of fashion, identity, and self, as well as the senses of fashion of other genderqueer, genderfluid, and genderfucking people. Since I'm sure you're all dying to know, this is how I look now, on day one of my process.

That awkward, smiling, plaid clad short one is me. For comparison, before I came out as trans and cut off all my hair:

I'm hoping to make a thrift shop run this weekend. Let me know if you guys have any personal style inspirations and any stories about your own explorations of identity and presentation. :)

STAY FABULOUS

-JJ